[The Onion Cheney Vows To Attack U.S. If Kerry Elected](http://www.theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4041)
GREENSBORO, NC%u2014In an announcement that has alarmed voters across the nation, Vice President Dick Cheney said Monday that he will personally attack the U.S. if Sen. John Kerry wins the next election. Ha ha. I needed this.